In light of recent events, I too am taking the time to write about my own experience with depression. I was inspired to write this in response to a recent article I read in the wake of Robin Williams suicide. The article is titled, 'Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves' and written by David Wong on Cracked.com. It's a good read though the gifs in it are distracting, if not completely irrelevant for the article.
What I have to say is not meant to make those who suffer from depression or any anxieties feel like they need to buck up and stop being handicapped by their disorder. No, I understand it (and Sky Williams does too). Rather part of David's article stuck out to me and had me realized how fortunate I am compared to those who are unable to crawl out of that darkness inside them. Granted that sounds very self centered, but I'm hoping as I continue on my words will be quite the opposite of that. I want to give hope to those who have the capacity to mentally get themselves to a better place, or at least those who have the desire.
About half way through the article, David writes a list that helps illustrate how it’s even remotely possible for our favorite comedians to suffer from depression or anxieties. Here’s a quick summary of it:
1. At an early age, you start hating yourself. There’s a number of reasons that could cause this and because of that other kids don’t like you.
2. While young, you did something that got a laugh from the room. Whatever it was, you got a positive reaction. It was one step up from hatred and a thousand steps up from invisibility. Something you could control.
3. Being funny built a perfect, impenetrable wall around you; a buffer that kept anyone from getting too close and realizing how much you suck.
4. In your formative years, you wind up creating a second, false you. You do it because if people hate the clown, who cares? That's not the real you. So you're protected.
1. At an early age, you start hating yourself. There’s a number of reasons that could cause this and because of that other kids don’t like you.
2. While young, you did something that got a laugh from the room. Whatever it was, you got a positive reaction. It was one step up from hatred and a thousand steps up from invisibility. Something you could control.
3. Being funny built a perfect, impenetrable wall around you; a buffer that kept anyone from getting too close and realizing how much you suck.
4. In your formative years, you wind up creating a second, false you. You do it because if people hate the clown, who cares? That's not the real you. So you're protected.
I want to focus on the ‘hating yourself’ part of this article. That I can relate to. Growing up I hated how fat and unpopular I was. People said I was great, but why was I only hearing that from just a few people? If I was so beautiful, why was I the last one to be picked to dance or have a boyfriend? If my artwork is so great, why doesn’t everyone else like it? Growing up it seemed like people were telling me a lot of bull. I hated my inability to be popular which lead to cycles of depression.
Depression is absolute helplessness. For me, I would see myself go into it due to whatever criticism, rejection, or loneliness I was feeling. Even my loud inner voice would realize how hopeless it was to try and get me out of my funk.
Granted, I have been blessed with ADHD. Yes it’s a blessing (and a bloody curse), for I can never linger on an emotion for too long. Depression usually only lasts a few hours to a day for me. Once something new and interesting comes in to play, I’m back to what most people see as a happy, carefree kind of girl.
But, I still hated myself.
So my arts became my hope to achieve supreme popularity and prove to the world I am someone amazing, beautiful, and worthy of being praised. I was confident that my creations were something of value. Something that deserved recognition.
However the internet is so selective. One person could be an overnight sensation while the rest are like me and still invisible to the world.
It wasn’t until June 2014, that a light bulb went off in my head. I hated myself because I wasn’t receiving adoration for my art and my looks. I was spiraling down into depression over it and at a low point that loud inner voice finally said something that struck me to the core:
“Why does it matter what they think?"
Of course my ears perked and waited expectantly for my head to elaborate.
“Do you like your art?”
Yes.
“Do you think you’re beautiful?
I honestly could answer yes to that question for I have been taking better care of myself and was loving the results.
“So tell me why it’s so important that they have to like it, when you find joy in what you do?”
A sense of peace came over me at this realization. I may not be mainstream and renowned for my art and beauty, but why was I hating myself for not being popular? I love what I create! I love how I look! Yet, how dependent I was being. I was the cause of my own depression!
In that realization, I recalled probably one of the most profound advice given to me by my friend Bill H, "Meri, don't let your happiness be determined by others. Happiness starts with you." At first I thought it was selfish of him to say. It sounded like I had to focus on myself only. Now I see the wisdom. People come and go, but I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life! If I can't be happy with who I am, then I was bound to set myself up for failure (aka depression).
By sharing all of this, it is my hope to get it into everyone’s head to stop hating yourself! Everyone of us is different. Everyone of us has something to offer. Everyone of us is of great worth. The trick is figuring out what it is you enjoy doing, and taking pride in it. To find that joy in what you do that despite what anyone else says, you can smile and say to yourself, “Oh well. Their loss.”
~Meriam L. Kopsa
