A Song I Wrote

Too often we fall short of where we should be. We tend to be our own worse critics too. During one of my lows of imperfection these words came to me. I believe it to be God's gift of inspiration, that I was able to put to words and music my sincere thoughts of how much I desire to be more Christ like. May it give hope to those who hear it.



I am open to collaborations for I feel the song would sound amazing with guitar.



Thank you for reading and watching. May your heart and soul be uplifted by my song, Like Thee.

A Little Fun at the Washington State Fair

Killing time with my friend Amilyn while we wait for the Lindsey Stirling concert. I didn't anticipate freaking out so much XD

How I Use To Not Like Myself

In light of recent events, I too am taking the time to write about my own experience with depression. I was inspired to write this in response to a recent article I read in the wake of Robin Williams suicide. The article is titled, 'Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves' and written by David Wong on Cracked.com. It's a good read though the gifs in it are distracting, if not completely irrelevant for the article.

What I have to say is not meant to make those who suffer from depression or any anxieties feel like they need to buck up and stop being handicapped by their disorder. No, I understand it (and Sky Williams does too). Rather part of David's article stuck out to me and had me realized how fortunate I am compared to those who are unable to crawl out of that darkness inside them. Granted that sounds very self centered, but I'm hoping as I continue on my words will be quite the opposite of that. I want to give hope to those who have the capacity to mentally get themselves to a better place, or at least those who have the desire.

About half way through the article, David writes a list that helps illustrate how it’s even remotely possible for our favorite comedians to suffer from depression or anxieties. Here’s a quick summary of it:

1. At an early age, you start hating yourself. There’s a number of reasons that could cause this and because of that other kids don’t like you.
2. While young, you did something that got a laugh from the room. Whatever it was, you got a positive reaction. It was one step up from hatred and a thousand steps up from invisibility. Something you could control.
3. Being funny built a perfect, impenetrable wall around you; a buffer that kept anyone from getting too close and realizing how much you suck.
4. In your formative years, you wind up creating a second, false you. You do it because if people hate the clown, who cares? That's not the real you. So you're protected.

I want to focus on the ‘hating yourself’ part of this article. That I can relate to. Growing up I hated how fat and unpopular I was. People said I was great, but why was I only hearing that from just a few people? If I was so beautiful, why was I the last one to be picked to dance or have a boyfriend? If my artwork is so great, why doesn’t everyone else like it? Growing up it seemed like people were telling me a lot of bull. I hated my inability to be popular which lead to cycles of depression. 

Depression is absolute helplessness. For me, I would see myself go into it due to whatever criticism, rejection, or loneliness I was feeling. Even my loud inner voice would realize how hopeless it was to try and get me out of my funk.

Granted, I have been blessed with ADHD. Yes it’s a blessing (and a bloody curse), for I can never linger on an emotion for too long. Depression usually only lasts a few hours to a day for me. Once something new and interesting comes in to play, I’m back to what most people see as a happy, carefree kind of girl. 

But, I still hated myself.

So my arts became my hope to achieve supreme popularity and prove to the world I am someone amazing, beautiful, and worthy of being praised. I was confident that my creations were something of value. Something that deserved recognition.

However the internet is so selective. One person could be an overnight sensation while the rest are like me and still invisible to the world.

It wasn’t until June 2014, that a light bulb went off in my head. I hated myself because I wasn’t receiving adoration for my art and my looks. I was spiraling down into depression over it and at a low point that loud inner voice finally said something that struck me to the core:

“Why does it matter what they think?"

Of course my ears perked and waited expectantly for my head to elaborate.

“Do you like your art?”

Yes.

“Do you think you’re beautiful?

I honestly could answer yes to that question for I have been taking better care of myself and was loving the results.

“So tell me why it’s so important that they have to like it, when you find joy in what you do?”

A sense of peace came over me at this realization. I may not be mainstream and renowned for my art and beauty, but why was I hating myself for not being popular? I love what I create! I love how I look! Yet, how dependent I was being. I was the cause of my own depression!

In that realization, I recalled probably one of the most profound advice given to me by my friend Bill H, "Meri, don't let your happiness be determined by others. Happiness starts with you." At first I thought it was selfish of him to say. It sounded like I had to focus on myself only. Now I see the wisdom. People come and go, but I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life! If I can't be happy with who I am, then I was bound to set myself up for failure (aka depression).

By sharing all of this, it is my hope to get it into everyone’s head to stop hating yourself! Everyone of us is different. Everyone of us has something to offer. Everyone of us is of great worth. The trick is figuring out what it is you enjoy doing, and taking pride in it. To find that joy in what you do that despite what anyone else says, you can smile and say to yourself, “Oh well. Their loss.”

~Meriam L. Kopsa

Good Bye to a Man Who Made Me Laugh and Cry.

I usually don't feel so lost when a person dies, especially someone whom I've never met or had a physical connection with. Alas, yesterday the world lost one of my favorite actors. Robin William has been a favorite of mine since a young kid. I felt like I grew up with him, as though he were some distant father that one day would come into my life. He was funny and yet serious. His roles in Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch Adams, Jack, Bicentenial Man, and Hook are some of my favorites that have pulled laughter and tears from me.

All the tributes people have been posting have been beautiful to read, but I can't deny the loss that I feel in my heart that Robin no longer is around. Part of me hopes the world will wake up to find it was all just a dream... but I doubt that'll happen. At least I can take comfort knowing he's finally at peace. 

Until we meet again Robin Williams. God bless.

"The world is a little dimmer tonight. RIP" ~Sarah G.

What's Your Name?

Recently I've read an article that talked about baby names. No Steven and I are not expecting, but ever so often I'll come across a baby article. As I read this one about choosing a baby name, one of the interesting advice the article gave put simply as this, "Would you want to give that name in a coffee shop with your order?" For me, this was something exciting to try! I don't often go to the coffee shop, but the first time I went to one after reading that, I missed my opportunity. By good fortune too since I was using my debit card and on it is my actual name!

Today I remembered and  I had cash on me! One of the names I've thought of, if we were to have a girl, is Emiaya (Em-I-ya). It's a name I've made up years ago (though I'm sure I've met someone with that name in the past year) and really like how it sounds. Granted, how would it be received? So while in line at Starbucks, I was beaming inside, excited to try the name out. Low and behold, I get it out and the cashier is all, "That's a pretty name." "Thank you," I say, part of me wanting to say, 'I made it myself.' I helped him spell it and then waited for my hot cocoa to be made. When the barrista finished, I watched as she looked at the name. For a brief moment I think I heard what she thought, "Oh hell..." To spare herself from potentially miss reading the name she calls out that a tall hot chocolate was ready.

I smiled brightly and thanked her for her service. I can't say if it was a smashing success, but it sure made my morning a bit more entertaining.

Becoming a Story Teller

Those of you who know me are quite familiar with my character Araja. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing with how much she's part of my every day life, but she is a familiar character with the children I watch. Every time I learn a little more about what happens in her story, I have fun telling her recent adventure to my children. Of course I tone it down because I don't want to be insensitive to them with Araja slaughtering things. 

With that, ever so often the children will make my day by asking about her past adventures. The other day they wanted to know how she got her wings. Part of me sighed inside because it's a sad tale, but I told them it anyways knowing I would tell them the happy ending I have planned for Araja. I'm not going to write it here, there's a different blog for that. However what I wanted to share was how captivated I had my kids in the retelling of this prominent character. When it got scary, I could see the concern on their faces. When things worked out and Araja overcame the odds, they were elated! It just warmed my heart to see them so interested. It gives me hope that there'll be a place for my stories one day. If anything, I'll be appreciated among the children if not the adults.

Writing Writing Writing!

You'd think I'd given up on this blog. For those of you who do check, yes I've slacked off greatly! I have allowed myself to stop journaling about the interesting things going on with me and Steven. I could make an excuse and say nothing exciting has happened, but that's just me being unimaginative.

In actuality, something had been happening. I've been excessively writing. It's been well over a year of constant, daily writing. Whether it be a post on Facebook, an email to someone or the constant catch up work on my stories, I've been writing! But there's good news. I know I'm not the best of writers, but I have seen marked improvement to what I've written a year ago. Heck, if you click on an old post of mine here, and compared it to this post, I would imagine you'd agree. Perhaps by next year I'll be even better while this post become blatantly amateur.

Before I close, I'll let it be known that life is well. I've been slacking on my health some, but my nagging inner voice is finally kicking my butt back into gear. Lately I've been working out very regularly and have become a plain Jane on my diet. I'm eating yummy foods still, but I have limited my variety so as to help me focus and not get into the rut of 'what should I eat' (which more often then not lead to eating unhealthy). Steven is on the job hunt seeing his 100 day break is coming to an end. We hope he'll be hired back on with Mircosoft, but we're making sure we're not completely reliant on that. In the mean time, I'm making the bread for the family and he's been keeping the place clean (or at least as clean as one can when one of their housemates is a toddler).